The cats of Hogwarts.

(Originally published July 17, 2012 6:09 PM)


I've been doing a lot of unnecessary thinking.

And a lot of math.

When asked during an interview, JK Rowling once stated that there are about a thousand students studying at Hogwarts at any given time. And that's nice to assume, because it's very easy to picture Hogwarts as a huge, bustling city of its own. But given the information in the books, I don't think this is accurate.

There's a lot of disagreeing evidence, but the consensus is that there are many less students. For instance, if there were a thousand students at Hogwarts, there would be 250 students per house and 36 per year in each house (assuming that the split is fairly even). I don't know about you, but I distinctly remember exactly eight students mentioned to be in Harry's year in Gryffindor: Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Lavender, Dean, Seamus and Parvati. Did she just forget to mention the other 28 students? And furthermore, in the books, during a double potions class, there are 20 cauldrons set up on desks: ten for Gryffindor, ten for Slytherin (Bear with me. This is going somewhere, I promise).

This suggests that there are about 10 students per year in each house, which would add up to 280 students total. But that's a drastic reduction from JK Rowling's guess of one thousand, so I'm willing to be lenient, and propose that in any given house, the number of students per year could potentially vary between 10 and 20. Which (using the higher limit) could bring the final total up to 560 students at Hogwarts.

Phew! I'm out of figurative breath. Sorry that took so long.

So basically, 560 total students. Got that? Kay good. So now it's time to get down to the real point of this post. The cats.

We know that students are allowed to bring one pet to school with them. This pet can be either an owl, cat, or toad.

It would probably be safe to assume that given the choice, most students would rather have an owl because they seem to be the most useful. But the school provides owls for student use, so a personal owl isn't absolutely necessary. And owls are probably more expensive than the other two types of animals. So using this information, I estimate that about 30 percent of the students (170 out of 560) own owls.

Only one student's toad is mentioned in the book, and we know this to be Trevor, who belongs to Neville. This toad is quite a lot of trouble for Neville, for it is forever running away. And Neville, for a good portion of the series, is pretty lame. The fact that he has a toad enhances this. No one chooses to have a toad. You get stuck with a toad. Considering this, I have concluded that maybe 20 students have toads (and I think I'm being generous).

There are probably a fair amount who don't own pets at all. I think about 180 students thought that a pet would be too much of a burden, which leaves 190 students...

Of course, we must consider those students who don't follow rules and smuggle in other pets not mentioned on the school supplies list. Ron has Scabbers. Lee Jordan has a tarantuala. I think it's safe to assume that a couple Slytherins brought their snakes. And a rabbit or turtle wouldn't be too hard to hide. So maybe 40 students brought contraband animals.

Which leaves us with 150 students. One. Hundred. Fifty. students could potentially own cats. There could potentially be 150 cats roaming around Hogwarts at any time.  This is a lot of cats.


Cats are well-liked throughout the world and rank sufficiently higher than a lot of animals on the "cuteness scale". I don't think this number is far-fetched.

So think about it. We know that cats are basically allowed to go wherever they please. Just look at Crookshanks and his many a midnight stroll with Sirius/Snuffles, the dog. Cats can roam freely without a second look. I don't know about you, but I find this to be a cause for concern.

Let me just tell you, when there is a stray cat on my college campus, it's like Christmas. Everyone knows the cat. The cat is given 300 different names. The cat is picked up, pet, fed, even taken inside the buildings.

People love cats.

If there were 150 cats just prowling Hogwarts' halls, students would never get to class. They would sit all day playing with the cats and conjuring up mice for the cats to chase. There would be cats in the library, cats in the Great Hall, cats in classrooms, bathrooms, kitchens… Cats in the astronomy tower, cats in Hagrid's pumpkin patch, cats in the Room of Requirement… And everywhere you go, you would have to pet the cats. Because cats control peoples' minds.

And the bigger dilemma is, people would trip over the cats.

I know Hogwarts is a big place, but with 150 cats spread out all over it, you are bound to walk past at least five in a day. And if you were in a hurry, and had to rush to Potions because Professor Snape hinted that if you were late one more time he would slip some swelling solution into your pumpkin juice, it's not impossible to imagine that you would run by a few cats without noticing them. And because cats are stealthy and like to cause humans pain, they would probably strategically place themselves directly in your path. And then you would fall to your death (or extreme injury) and break your glass vials and brass scales, and the cat would walk away unscathed, because magical cats really do have nine lives.


We know this has happened because I spent way too long proving it.


So we can't overlook the cold hard truth: Harry has tripped over the cats.


And I'm a little outraged knowing this. Because JK Rowling never thinks to mention it.

I'm no "boy who lived" so I guess my problems aren't as "pressing" as Harry's, but if I tripped over three cats daily on my way to Charms, you can be sure I would write about it in the story of my life. I think that's something worth mentioning. Even if you just alluded to the monontony of it to add a bit of contrast like,

"Harry couldn't believe it. He was the seventh horcrux. Voldmort's soul had latched on to him. He had to die. But he would make sure he died for everyone he loved. Nothing but pure determination filled his mind as he tripped over yet another cat on his way into the forest to meet Voldemort and his last few breaths."

I don't know, I would have appreciated the honesty.

Foreign Wizardry: A (Poorly-Composed) Harry Potter Essay

International Magical Cooperation.


I've been thinking a lot about it lately as I spend what little free time I have whiling away the hours with my nose in Harry Potter. It used to annoy me how there was so little mentioned of foreign witches and wizards in the series, and my annoyance was restored after reading Goblet of Fire again.

Did you know American witches and wizards are mentioned only ONCE in the entire series? To boil down everything America is into a couple of witches at the World Cup, gossiping under a spangled banner is a crime.

And as I sat, obsessing over that tiny window through which the smallest glimpse of foreign wizardry can be seen outside of Europe, I began to construct an alternate HP world in my mind. A more accurate version (in my ever-so-humble opinion, of course).

Picture this though.

You have a dark wizard. Goes by the name of Voldemort. He's your regular, run-of-the-mill, power-hungry lunatic who likes to kill for sport.  Do you think, for one moment, that he isn't going to try to expand his filthy, death-ridden empire? I mean, come on. The man shares his brain with a snake. The day he stops dreaming of world domination is the day I eat my dog.

And I don't have any pets.

It's as likely as this conversation taking place:

Wormtail: "Master, I've been drawing up a few designs. We can take over Spain by the end of the month if we gain control of the water-ways and everyone's minds'. We can be over seas by June if we keep up the pace. We'll need manpower though. Might I suggest recruiting the giants?"

Voldemort: "Quiet, Wormtail! You are too ambitious. I told you from the outset, that if we were going to do this, we were going to do it gradually and cautiously. I don't want to expand further than Great Britain. If I control Britain, that will be enough of me. Don't you know me enough by now to know that I am easily contented with what I have in front of me? I never want more than what I have."


Right. Because that would happen.                  (sarcasm)


My point is, if you were to take the world of Harry Potter and stick it right in the middle of the real world, I believe a few things would be different.

Firstly, we know that Voldemort is quite the world traveler… with his jaunts to Egypt and Albania and whatnot. So why is Britain the only country that seems to be worrying about him? Voldemort is cray, and there is little chance that he wouldn't want to destroy all the other countries in the the world as well, so I think the books should have definitely included more of this aspect. And I think the magical leaders of those countries should have done some allying up. Which brings me to my next point.

Given American's foreign policy, if there was a powerful, muggle-killing, snake-man on the loose in Europe, I hardly doubt Americans wouldn't go try and stop him. I mean just look at our track record… We're basically just a whole bunch of crazy Gryffindors brandishing our swords and yelling out profanities in the name of Justice… Our national Magical Military would be the first on the scene, shouting out the mantra, "You will like democracy!" while forcing Voldemort into a in a red and white striped straightjacket with fireworks shooting out their wands. If Voldemort were real, we would have tried to stop him. I'm not saying we would have been able to for sure, but we would have at least been there in the thick of things.

And speaking of being in the thick of things, why are there only three wizarding schools allowed in the Tri-Wizard cup? Why couldn't it be the Icosa-Wizard cup and allow twenty schools to compete? I know that it was originally created for the three largest European schools, but why the exclusion? Why can't those overseas play? What about Africa? I'm sure they'd love a shot. What's wrong with our Australian friends? Not good enough? Silliness.


You know, I'd be happy with even a minor change in the series. For instance, would it have been so bad to make Luna a foreign-exchange student? How hard would that have been? Then we would at least know what a non-European wizarding school was like. And actually, such a program was even alluded to in GOF when Ron mentions that Bill used to have a pen-friend who lived in Brazil. So it's not far-fetched. Really. It's not.

Anyway.

I just don't think that the borders of Great Britain could contain Voldemort. Not at all. So I wish that JK Rowling would have constructed his story line to include the fact that the whole world was against him (of course, it's implied, but I'm just not seeing the action). And if she left it out by design, why? Because that just seems unrealistic to me.


I'm not complaining, I'm just letting my fingers go. They've been itching to do something besides counting pills and change. And JK Rowling, if you're reading this, I'm so honored to have you in my internet presence, and disregard everything I ever wrote. Love, Lexie.

On People Hunting.

Everyone remembers that moment when their teacher made them read The Most Dangerous Game for the first time (No? Just me?). That shocking, cringing, earth trembling moment when you realize that crazy people are nearer than you previously thought. Who would make a classroom full of 14-year-olds read this? Why!? What is happening. This story is about hunting. Hunting another man. Is the author in custody? He should be.

But then I got to thinking…

We all have that one person in our lives that just doesn't get it. That person who is mean, rude, flaky, oblivious, selfish, a tad bit OCD... That person who has received about twelve big wake up calls, but neglects to open their eyes.

No matter the circumstances, they refuse to meet you half way. Their static trudge through life is weighing on your nerves. You try to escape the situation, but they pull you back, tugging on your conscience.

So what if you were fed up? Entirely. And you were just like, "Hey. So I'm a little tired of your antics. Here is a knife and a pair of hiking boots. You'll need them because I'm going to hunt you. And if you don't accept, I'm going to set my seven-foot-tall, Russian body builder, named Ivan, on you."

And then you chase them through the woods.

You might need to send an arrow through a tree next to their head, to let them know that you're serious. And maybe trap them in some kind of leafy pit? I wouldn't advise actually injuring them, because let's not forget we don't live on remote islands.

(But if you do, have at it.)


Once the person in question has realized that you've gone mad, they will probably try to plead with you. This is a good sign, because this means they will be willing to negotiate. Go wild with your demands. Tell them they have to spend the rest of their lives cleaning your bathroom. Or tell them they have to befriend an Arctic polar bear, tame it, and then bring it back to your house where they must build it a little habitat. Or they have to learn eight different languages, and travel around with you to other countries and be your translator. Or you could be nice and just ask them not to be a horrible person anymore.

Either way, they will have to make a decision. And if you do it right (meaning, you have a very sharp spear in your hand ten inches from their face), they should immediately agree to your outlandish requests.


I know what you're thinking… "Where on earth am I going to find a large Russian?" I hear ya. There doesn't seem to be enough of them. I guess the take-home message would be to start planning your trip to Russia now. There's no time to waste. Hurry! Before all the good ones are taken.

7 Disney Characters Whose Pasts Would Have Made a Better Movie

Disney has a problem with cause and effect. They usually just start at the end and go from there. The setting in almost every movie starts in, what seems like, the middle. I've noticed a trend with certain characters. Their background stories are non-existant. Their actions are unexplained. There's always a universally acknowledged truth about them, but where is the reasoning behind it? I need one. So without further ado here are 7 strange Disney characters who could have really benefitted from a backstory.


1. The seven dwarfs. Let's think about this. Seven men. All shorter than 4 feet. Living together. In the forest. All while mining diamonds. I don't know about you, but this makes me want to do math. What is the probability that seven little men who look very similar and are all around the same age could find each other and collectively decide it would be a good idea to live together in a cottage in a remote forest? Don't get me wrong, I know this is a fairytale, but still…this concerns me. It's a possibility that they could all be brothers…but even if they had parents who were both dwarfs, the probability of all their children turning out to be dwarfs as well is 75%, and 25% of those will not make it to term. So you're telling me their parents had SEVEN children and they all turned out to be dwarfs? With only 56.25% odds? No. I guess one could make a case that there were actually more children, and the averaged height ones decided they were too good to live in a doll-sized cabin.

Either way, I'm still concerned about this cave full of diamonds. Where is this cave, and why has no one else found it? And why are they still poor? Or do they only pretend to be poor? Also. The names. Was it a rite of passage? Once they showed their one dominant characteristic, they got a name? Or was it more of a self-fulling prophecy? Name someone Grumpy and it's inevitable that he will end up bitter. I want these questions answered.






2. Scar. Again, I have a problem with his name. Did he get a scar from a battle and then was nicknamed after it? Or did someone decide it would be funny to give him that token that matched his name? Or maybe it's just a birth mark and his parents thought it would be cute to point it out in the form of a life-long name. Maybe that's the reason he is so bitter. *Update* Oh. Wikipedia confirms it's a nickname because he obtained that scar. That sucks.

I want to know why he is so evil. I want to know what went wrong. The guy has issues. He laughs when members of his family die. At his hands. He's a sociopath. I just really want to know why. I feel like that could almost be a better story than Lion King. Well, it would be close. Evilness always needs to be explained; that's what makes it so interesting. Disney has a problem with this. They just make people evil and then continue on with the princesses. No! I want substance.





3. Beast. Okay. Disney explained how he became cursed and whatnot. But I want to examine the big picture here. There is a boy. About 18? Living alone. In a castle. In an enchanted forest. With a whole bunch of servants. With no family. And from what I can gather, no actual ruling power. He doesn't seem to be ruling any kingdom. And plus, you have to get lost to even find the castle. AND if he was the prince of France or whatever, I think Maurice would have known before he went in, although that is debatable considering he's Maurice. But Belle would have known. She hadn't even heard of him before. Which leads me to believe he is a fake prince. A delusional young male living like a king on his trust-fund. This also means Belle isn't a real princess. I'm sorry for ruining your childhood.












4. Peter Pan. Everything about Peter Pan confuses me. How did he get there? How did the Lost Boys get there? Captain Hook? It all creeps me out. Why are the mermaids so bitchy? And why does Tiger Lily have no real voice? After watching this movie, I learned one thing: Never do I ever want to go to Neverland. I don't like anything about it. I think it would be an awful place to live. Actually, maybe this one is better left unexplained. Because the more sense it makes, the more real it becomes. And that scares me.









5. Evil Stepmother. This one really needs to be explained because I, for one, cannot fathom why Cinderella's dad could ever fall for someone evil. You can say that she fooled him and that she pretended to be someone she was not…but I don't care what anyone says…no one is that good. You can always catch glimpses of someone's true colors if you look hard and are around them long enough. She has to be a witch of sorts. Or maybe a temptress? Someone who dabbles in sorcery. Also I would like to ponder how Cinderella's dad died in the first place? I'm thinking poisoned biscuits. NEVER EAT BISCUITS PREPARED BY YOUR NEWLYWED WIFE. This is nonnegotiable.

6. The King and Queen of Hearts. If someone could explain to me how that one works out, that would be great, thanks.














7. Maleficent. I need to know so many things about her. Did she really condemn a newborn baby solely because she didn't get invited to a party? I think her issues run deeper than that. 1) Where did she get the gargoyle-like goblin minions? 2) What's with her ram/devil horns? 3) How did she meet her crow? Did she nurse him as a baby? Or was it friendship at first sight? 4) What's her beef with the royals? I like to think her story went like this: She was once a beautiful, young fairy. She was kind and generous and gave freely, much like Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. She fell in love. It was a prince. She would often go out of her way just to see him for a second. Just to see that smile. He didn't love her back. No matter how much she tried to convince him they were meant for each other, she could see her endeavors were futile. He loved another girl. Golden hair, rose red lips, a voice as sweet as a bird's. She couldn't take it. She put him under a spell. A love spell. And it worked. He loved her. She loved him. It looked picture perfect from the outside. But she knew. She knew that slight hesitation in his "I love you's" was the spell. She knew that tired look in his eyes was there because she put it there. She knew, deep down, whether he remembered or not, he didn't love her. And it was too much for her. She let him go. And he married the other girl. Her heartache turned to depression, her depression to anger, her anger to a sinister disposition. She became unfeeling. Evil was the only thing she knew. The sight of that baby and her striking resemblance to the very thing that caused her downfall, caused her world to come crashing down around her. And so begins the tale of Sleeping Beauty.

Hey, I think that's pretty reasonable.




~Lex