There are no moose in Virginia,

contrary to what Disney might think.

I found this map. This is where the moose really are.

I've been watching Pocahontas today. And I have enjoyed myself immensely. My favorite thing about watching old Disney movies is the huge ego boost you get from understanding certain parts you didn't when you were little (i.e. like knowing what the Virginia Company actually was or actually listening to the parts where they talk instead of just singing along to the musical portions). It's a great way to make yourself feel so very intelligent. You also get this great (false) sense of superiority when you point out the silly things Disney put in the movies that aren't quite accurate or blatantly wrong. This is a great way to spend a lazy Sunday and make you feel better about yourself.

Ever noticed how John Smith had an American English accent before actual Americans?

Original Hipster

He was from E.N.G.L.A.N.D. Mel Gibson was perhaps not the best choice for this part.

We're not even going to talk about the fact that whole premise is based upon the tiniest portions of almost-but-not-really-true facts, and on the whole is widely historically inaccurate. Because that's too easy and boring.

But can we just imagine, for a second, if your grandmother was a Willow tree? I mean. That would be amazing. Unless someone cut her down, she might never die.

She will always be there to give you boy advice.

Besides Grandmother Willow, there is one thing of Pocahontas' of which I will forever be jealous. Yes, it's the magical wind leaves that help her immediately understand a foreign language. How convenient would that be?????

I need those leaves.

I'm going to The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It's on Netflix.


i learn how to do turnpike.

I'm not prepared to live in this world without supervision from sort of authority. When it comes to the set of skills some have dubbed street smarts, I'm literally braindead. When I have to figure out how to do something in the "real world," my brain responds back with DOES NOT COMPUTE.

Last week I had to attend this meeting for my internship in a city that it is about 40 minutes from where I live. With things like the internet and GPS, you would think this shouldn't be too hard. And if you are a normal, fully-functioning adult, you would be right.

So I was driving along, following my print-out directions, when a certain turn confused me. I freaked out a little and turned on the GPS on my phone (which I should have had on the entire time, but I was trying to save the battery). So I turned around, got back on the highway and before I knew it, I missed the exit. So I kept driving. And then I missed the next exit. And then I finally got off on the next exit after that. Then I saw this flashing yellow sign that read PLEASE TAKE TICKET.

Ticket? Ticket for what? Do I have to pay for something? I don't want to pay for something.

But I got the ticket.

So I kept driving. I drove 14 miles out of my way before I realized that I was only driving those 14 miles out of my way, so that I could turn back around, because there apparently wasn't a better way to get to this meeting…says my GPS.

So I turned around and headed back those stupid 14 miles.

By that time, I knew I was going to be late to my meeting, when I was originally going to be 20 minutes early. So I was panicking about that when I saw another flashing sign. PAY TOLL.

Toll? Toll for what? Does this ticket cover the cost of the toll? I don't want to pay for something.

So I pulled up to this booth and the gate in front of me closed down. Is there such thing as a ticket container? Where would a ticket container be located? A ticket collector maybe? But I saw no sign of human life. It was all machine.

It looked like the person in the car in front of me didn't even do anything. So I thought maybe the gate would open on its own. So I just sat there for a second. Waiting. Willing the gate to magically open or spontaneously combust. And I wondered if I would be stuck on that stupid strip of highway forever. Doomed to driving around in circles until the end of time. Always collecting tickets, but never having anywhere to put them.

But then I looked to my left and I saw this lady in a booth. So I backed up a little and rolled down my window, and she looked at me expectantly. And so I said, "I got lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I am. I have this ticket. Do you need this?" all while displaying a desperate expression that clearly said, WHAT. IS. LIFE.

And so I gave her the ticket and she asked for 50 cents and then Turnpike was over.

Tomorrow I'm riding a train into New York by myself. Wish me luck guys.


Beauty and the Beast Ponderings.

I was in the shower earlier this week (just the one time), and I started to think about the plot of Beauty and the Beast (as you do). And my thoughts quickly formed themselves into one of those annoying, trivial rants that I'm accustomed to having. So I thought I should write about it (because, obviously, this is one hot topic that everyone cares about greatly).

First things first. YES, this is an animated, children's story about a fictional event with creatures of fantasy. HOWEVER, I still noticed some gaping holes in the plot that I want answered. I think Disney owes us that much.

1. Why didn't any of the townspeople know that their kingdom was an actual king-dom?

The castle is hidden away in a place that you only find when you're not looking for it, deep within the forest filled with wolves. Nobody seems know it is there, and if they do, they really don't care that their ruler all of the sudden just stopped existing. As far as I know, the Beast/Prince Adam never did any actual ruling. How is he paying for the upkeep of that mansion, and the salaries of his servants if he isn't collecting taxes? What good is being a Prince when the only ruling you do is ordering around some plates and napkins??
Wouldn't you at least see the top of the spires and be like "Hmmm. That's interesting. We have a castle. I wonder why?"

2. Why didn't the servants' families care that their kin just never came back from work that one day?

Why wouldn't they go seek the reason for their disappearance? Wouldn't you be at all concerned that your wife went to her maid job in the morning and then never came back for 10 years? I mean, the least you could do knock on the castle door. Send a letter? Hire a PI?

That's a lot of families being represented. You would think at least one would be worried 

3. What the heck is this thing?

Magic, outdoor, transporter pot?

4. If they live in France, why do only two characters have French accents? 

To me, that should be an all-or-none sort of thing.

There is a lot of FanFic about these two. I would read it.

5. I'm guessing Belle was at the castle for a total of a few weeks. A month? Two days? I don't know, I haven't seen the movie in a while, but I do know that it was not a very long time. So that brings me to the inexplicable exponential shedding pattern of the Enchanted Rose. Like, what gives? After ten years the rose loses five petals, but after two weeks it looses twenty-five? What was the unseen cause of the hyper-shedding? Was it that love was so close, but so far away at the same time... and the rose got frustrated with the Beast on his lack of action...and started to take it out on him in the only way it knew how? That's ridiculous though, Lexie. Roses don't blackmail. 

Do they? Only Disney can answer this.

I was kidding about the one-shower-per-week bit. Mostly.