3.28.2011

Why I Hate Twilight Part I D

Why I Hate Twilight Part I: Stephenie Meyer is a Horrible Person and Writer

Section D: The Atrocity She Calls a Plot

So, in essence, what we have here is a strange, loner-type who moves to dull, rainy, small town, Forks, not because she wants to, but because she doesn't. And in the meantime falls in love with a guy who has been dead for a while. I mean, there have been stranger openings to novels. That's not really the disturbing part. It's how fast, and why she falls in love with him. He's overbearing, bossy, arrogant, stubborn, and treats her like a puppy--what's not to love right? He's always laughing at her and talking down to her. I guess some people would say that's cute, but honesty, he just treats her like a child. He puts her to bed, watches her sleep (creepy?), supervises everything she does, and speaks to her authoritatively. He treats her as a tiny delicate flower. Sure, he has reasons to, but it's condescending. I don't know about you, but even if I was the dependent type, I wouldn't fall for a guy who thinks he's my dad. Or watches me sleep. HE WATCHES HER SLEEP.  Basically their relationship is shallow, built up of outwardly attractions, covered up by the "it was love at first sight" excuse.

Moving on to when she discovers he's a vampire. First off, he admits to following her scent. How is that okay with her? Secondly. She is totally unfazed by the whole affair. When Jacob tells her the stories of his ancestors and the "cold ones"....she just listened intently. Totally calm. When Edward confirms her suspicions...not an ounce of fear. She's a freak of nature, and there is no human on this earth who wouldn't be a tad cautious. 

Then there's the matter of how fast they fell in love. Even if there was a real foundation for a relationship there, it was still too fast. By chapter 9 she admits to herself that she's in love with him. Chapter 9! Out of 24! She barely has spent time with the guy, let alone actually know him. It's ridiculous. I'm skeptic by nature, but I still look at things objectively, and their "love", by no means, makes any real sense. In any way.

Let's not forget the unavoidable undertones of necrophilia and bestiality. Edward is dead, guys. And he's not even human. Neither is Jacob for that matter. It's pretty disturbing that the same girl falls in love with two beings who are not completely human. Bella has issues.

But more about this dead Edward thing. Stephenie says that when humans become vampires, their bodies freeze in time. That's why women can't have babies; their bodies can't change. But here's something she definitely didn't explain (mostly because she didn't have an answer); how do male vampires fertilize human eggs? Sperm are not like eggs. A woman is born with all of her eggs; the seminiferous tubules in the testes produce 12 billion sperm per month. So if Edward's body isn't changing, how is that he was able to provide sperm to create a freak baby? I highly doubt the sperm used was the sperm that was there when he died. Come on, after 100 years and you think he still had the semen he died with? Yea right :D

And while we're on the subject. Vampire sex. First let's talk about how Edward is a vestige of a dead human in a body of what Steph compares to granite. He has no blood flow. He's cold and hard. Bella is delicate white flower full of beauty and daintiness. *snickers*.  Please tell me how a protuberance, much like a cold, hard rock shoved up your lady parts would be anything but a traumatizing experience? 



Just saying.



Now let's talk about werewolf lovin'. We learn what "imprinting" is in Eclipse when Jacob is talking to Bella. I'll discuss what a load of bullshit it is in a later section, but for now I want to examine a continuity error. This is the quote by Jacob regarding the rarity of this phenomenon,"It's one of those bizarre things we have to deal with. It doesn't happen to everyone. In fact it's the rare exception, not the rule..." Hmm..."rare exception"? Then how come half the pack did it? Sam, Paul, Quil, Jared, and Jacob all imprinted. Five out seventeen. Twenty-nine percent? How is that rare? Please explain that to me Smeyer. She's definitely not a mathematician. She seriously needs to get her story straight.

Three more points and then, I promise, I'm done. 

The Happily Ever After Ending of Vomit. She spends the majority of the book rallying the troops and preparing the reader for a battle worth the mental suffering he or she endured throughout the entirety of the book. What did we get? We got a conversation. 

And no one died. SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE DIED. Killing characters off isn't always a sign of good writing, but the emotion one feels after reading about it, is. But I felt no emotion but mild annoyance of the fact I wasted my time.


One thing I notice about the novels I like verses the novels I hate (a.k.a. Twilight) is that the books in which I find myself engrossed are more than just a love story. They have substance. Complex plot lines. A greater story that's more than the sum of it's parts. Twilight? Nope. Just superficial love. And a creepy half vampire baby...thing...


Lastly, no one can overlook the prominent comparisons Meyer makes between her poorly written novels, and classic works of literature. Did she compare her writing to the Bible, Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet? Yes. Yes she did. She's a moron. And that's the only thing I love about her.




Whew boy. That was a long one.






12 comments:

  1. I can’t speak for the novels, but the movies can’t go five minutes without Bella tripping, knocking herself out, or getting into a life-threatening situation. She can barely climb a pavement curb without falling on her ass, I’d be treating her like a child too!

    Guess we’re supposed to buy this love at first sight crap, given that their longest conversation at that point had been about the weather, and the only reason she had an interest in him to begin with is because her new school chum basically said he’s off limits.

    ReplyDelete
  2. My sister likes to say that these books are porn for girls who have never been in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Re:Vampire Sexuality.
    Not to mention, semen can only survive 72 hours after someone dies, so regardless of whether or not the body freezes when they become a vampire, Edward's sperm wouldn't be viable anyway, because it would be dead. AND AND AND if a vampire has no blood flow, HOW THE HELL is Edward getting an erection? Like, is there vampire viagra in this world?

    I just...SMeyer sucks at world building and characterization and just...I get that the books are somewhat entertaining, but I don't get people holding her up to be this paragon of a writer.

    She's vanilla.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ku.DOS.

    I've never read them, and never will, but everything I've heard makes me sick. Can't believe the youth of America will grow up with this idea of how men will pursue them.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I completely agree! But I think John Green said it best in the middle-ish/end of his review of the movie/books :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkoBoF9FDXg
    Oh how I love John Green :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just found this blog and I love this post so much! Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Whoah girl, you had some frustration to get off your chest!

    Yeah, I read the books one summer when I was sixteen and thought they were pure perfection. Then I grew up and became more sane, reread the first one and was totally creeped out!

    And the movie(s)? (I only saw the first one) TOTALLY killed any last flicker of Twilight love for me. It was a fun teenage fad but now its ovahhh!

    ReplyDelete
  8. i was so excited when i saw the title of this haha. i've read all your why i hate twilight thingamajigs and they are awesome.

    the whole vampire sex thing confuses me too! other than it seeming invasive and uncomfortable, how can he get someone pregnant?! it makes so sense! i mean in the true blood books it is specifically said vampires can NOT get someone pregnant. twilight is lame.

    and please, for the love of cheese, do the post about the dumbass imprinting. i look forward to reading that.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I sometimes worry about her mental health. I wonder if she's actually trying to tell us something about her own husband...

    And the whole vampire sex thing.. Talk about a hard one, he will never need Viagra.

    Once again you've explained it all perfectly.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I can’t speak for the novels, but the movies can’t go five minutes without Bella tripping, knocking herself out, or getting into a life-threatening situation. She can barely climb a pavement curb without falling on her ass, I’d be treating her like a child too!

    Guess we’re supposed to buy this love at first sight crap, given that their longest conversation at that point had been about the weather, and the only reason she had an interest in him to begin with is because her new school chum basically said he’s off limits.

    My sister likes to say that these books are porn for girls who have never been in a relationship.


    Re:Vampire Sexuality.
    Not to mention, semen can only survive 72 hours after someone dies, so regardless of whether or not the body freezes when they become a vampire, Edward's sperm wouldn't be viable anyway, because it would be dead. AND AND AND if a vampire has no blood flow, HOW THE HELL is Edward getting an erection? Like, is there vampire viagra in this world?

    I just...SMeyer sucks at world building and characterization and just...I get that the books are somewhat entertaining, but I don't get people holding her up to be this paragon of a writer.

    She's vanilla.

    Ku.DOS.

    I've never read them, and never will, but everything I've heard makes me sick. Can't believe the youth of America will grow up with this idea of how men will pursue them.

    I completely agree! But I think John Green said it best in the middle-ish/end of his review of the movie/books :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkoBoF9FDXg
    Oh how I love John Green :)

    I just found this blog and I love this post so much! Thank you.

    Whoah girl, you had some frustration to get off your chest!

    Yeah, I read the books one summer when I was sixteen and thought they were pure perfection. Then I grew up and became more sane, reread the first one and was totally creeped out!

    And the movie(s)? (I only saw the first one) TOTALLY killed any last flicker of Twilight love for me. It was a fun teenage fad but now its ovahhh!

    i was so excited when i saw the title of this haha. i've read all your why i hate twilight thingamajigs and they are awesome.

    the whole vampire sex thing confuses me too! other than it seeming invasive and uncomfortable, how can he get someone pregnant?! it makes so sense! i mean in the true blood books it is specifically said vampires can NOT get someone pregnant. twilight is lame.

    and please, for the love of cheese, do the post about the dumbass imprinting. i look forward to reading that.

    I sometimes worry about her mental health. I wonder if she's actually trying to tell us something about her own husband...

    And the whole vampire sex thing.. Talk about a hard one, he will never need Viagra.

    Once again you've explained it all perfectly.


    I couldn't think of any witty comment to complement this incredibly witty and entertaining post, so I just combined all of the little bitty, inferior comments into ONE GIANT COMMENT THAT IS THE COMMENT TO END ALL COMENTS!!!

    I just really want you to like me.

    Thou hast been chosen as this fortnight's Blog of Specialness for The Chin Scratcher.

    http://thechinscratcher.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  11. I LOVE these posts!!!!

    Yeah, it bugged me that Bella wasn't freaked out by the fact that, oh, you know, he could break out some fangs and suck the life right out of her. Wait. Meyer's vampires don't have fangs, right? Their teeth are just a little sharper and stronger, I believe.

    The love thing. Maybe it's because I'm a little cynical, but I just don't see falling in love THAT quickly and being so sure of it, so soon.

    Keep 'em coming!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. It's not often that people are in complete agreement with each other, but I'm totally with you on this one.

    ReplyDelete