6.23.2014

Give it here. I'll fix it, J.R.R. Tolkien.

Twenty-one days ago I started to watch The Hobbit, and today I finished it. I guess the first thing you have to understand about me and the Lord of The Rings franchise is that we both think the other is ridiculous. That doesn't mean we don't appreciate one another. It just...we think that each other can be a little self-indulgent at times. Or all times (if you're really intelligent you may have caught the fact that I'm pretending LOTR has cognitive function so that I can soften the edge of my criticism).

It takes me weeks to finish a LOTR film; enormous amounts of rewinding, annoying pleas for explanation from those who were unfortunately chosen to watch it with me, and subtitles. We cannot forget the subtitles.

In order for me to relate to, understand and keep track of the many characters and endless plot lines, I have to make the story my own. I have to find a way to fit it within the confines of my own personal reality.

I do this by renaming the characters whose names are incoherent. And also by giving the less important characters interesting histories so that they don't feel left out.

Carina and Shelby helped me tailor each name to specifically portray each character's finer attributes.

Let's start with the original trilogy. This is just a smattering chosen from all 9,000 characters.

LOTR Family Photo Album: As Seen through the Eyes of Lex





It's funny because in order to find these pictures I had to actually use their real names in the search, and that was no easy task. Because I do not know their real names. I mean, Kevin is Kevin, Ian is Ian, and Liv Tyler will never be anyone but Liv Tyler.  



Now let's move on to The Hobbit. This will be fun because dwarves are hilarious.

Hot Fred.
 I think this one is self explanatory.



Hot George.
Slightly hotter than Fred. And it's possible Fred resents him for this, but it hasn't manifested in any real, domestic quarrel. Yet.




Muskrat.
 Lives among lesser-known species of rodents during seasons of non-dragon-hunting.




Vast Helga.
Does not know where he is. But loves indie films. And hockey.




Small Helga.
As you may notice, Small Helga is only slightly smaller than Vast Helga. This may have been an oversight when he was christened. It's confusing and unclear.
Small Helga's favorite food is salt water taffy.





Common Arthur.
Common Arthur may have contributed to the above confusion with Small Helga. Because I think, originally, he was the true Small Helga. But when it was discovered that he was far more common than someone named Helga, the Small Helga name had to go to the only other redhead.
Common Arthur is very common. He is faceless and sad.
Help us help Common Arthur.
Donations accepted.




 Whitebeard.
Has that same disease as Robin Williams in that film, Jack, where he ages prematurely. So, though he looks roughly 167 years old, Whitebeard is only 28.




Uncle Blackbeard.
Devine baker of casseroles.




Damn, we missed one.
This dwarf is special because he is utterly forgettable. I think he really likes oil paintings?



Percival Goatface.
Percival Goatface grew up in a pine tree without a family. Does not like country music or popsicles.





Starfish.
Helps braid Vast Helga's hair every morning.
It should also be mentioned that Starfish always wins 1st prize at the annual flower show for his magnificent petunias.




Dobby.
Used to be a pirate, but has traded in his hardened criminal past for a brighter future. Has recently discovered his love of theater. Catch him as Feste in Twelfth Night this summer.




I also just want to mention that my favorite character of The Hobbit is that dragon who just wants to sit in piles of gold coins for hundreds of years. Because that is hilarious. There's literally zero politics involved. He just wants to sit on coins. Amazing.


2 comments:

  1. THIS. IS. HILARIOUS.
    I love it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ever the flatterer.

    Thank you, James Lee.

    I worked hard to pay as little attention as possible throughout all of the movies.

    ReplyDelete