Disney has a problem with cause and effect. They usually just start at the end and go from there. The setting in almost every movie starts in, what seems like, the middle. I've noticed a trend with certain characters. Their background stories are non-existant. Their actions are unexplained. There's always a universally acknowledged truth about them, but where is the reasoning behind it? I need one. So without further ado here are 7 strange Disney characters who could have really benefitted from a backstory.
1. The seven dwarfs. Let's think about this. Seven men. All shorter than 4 feet. Living together. In the forest. All while mining diamonds. I don't know about you, but this makes me want to do math. What is the probability that seven little men who look very similar and are all around the same age could find each other and collectively decide it would be a good idea to live together in a cottage in a remote forest? Don't get me wrong, I know this is a fairytale, but still…this concerns me. It's a possibility that they could all be brothers…but even if they had parents who were both dwarfs, the probability of all their children turning out to be dwarfs as well is 75%, and 25% of those will not make it to term. So you're telling me their parents had SEVEN children and they all turned out to be dwarfs? With only 56.25% odds? No. I guess one could make a case that there were actually more children, and the averaged height ones decided they were too good to live in a doll-sized cabin.
Either way, I'm still concerned about this cave full of diamonds. Where is this cave, and why has no one else found it? And why are they still poor? Or do they only pretend to be poor? Also. The names. Was it a rite of passage? Once they showed their one dominant characteristic, they got a name? Or was it more of a self-fulling prophecy? Name someone Grumpy and it's inevitable that he will end up bitter. I want these questions answered.
2. Scar. Again, I have a problem with his name. Did he get a scar from a battle and then was nicknamed after it? Or did someone decide it would be funny to give him that token that matched his name? Or maybe it's just a birth mark and his parents thought it would be cute to point it out in the form of a life-long name. Maybe that's the reason he is so bitter. *Update* Oh. Wikipedia confirms it's a nickname because he obtained that scar. That sucks.
I want to know why he is so evil. I want to know what went wrong. The guy has issues. He laughs when members of his family die. At his hands. He's a sociopath. I just really want to know why. I feel like that could almost be a better story than Lion King. Well, it would be close. Evilness always needs to be explained; that's what makes it so interesting. Disney has a problem with this. They just make people evil and then continue on with the princesses. No! I want substance.
3. Beast. Okay. Disney explained how he became cursed and whatnot. But I want to examine the big picture here. There is a boy. About 18? Living alone. In a castle. In an enchanted forest. With a whole bunch of servants. With no family. And from what I can gather, no actual ruling power. He doesn't seem to be ruling any kingdom. And plus, you have to get lost to even find the castle. AND if he was the prince of France or whatever, I think Maurice would have known before he went in, although that is debatable considering he's Maurice. But Belle would have known. She hadn't even heard of him before. Which leads me to believe he is a fake prince. A delusional young male living like a king on his trust-fund. This also means Belle isn't a real princess. I'm sorry for ruining your childhood.
4. Peter Pan. Everything about Peter Pan confuses me. How did he get there? How did the Lost Boys get there? Captain Hook? It all creeps me out. Why are the mermaids so bitchy? And why does Tiger Lily have no real voice? After watching this movie, I learned one thing: Never do I ever want to go to Neverland. I don't like anything about it. I think it would be an awful place to live. Actually, maybe this one is better left unexplained. Because the more sense it makes, the more real it becomes. And that scares me.
5. Evil Stepmother. This one really needs to be explained because I, for one, cannot fathom why Cinderella's dad could ever fall for someone evil. You can say that she fooled him and that she pretended to be someone she was not…but I don't care what anyone says…no one is that good. You can always catch glimpses of someone's true colors if you look hard and are around them long enough. She has to be a witch of sorts. Or maybe a temptress? Someone who dabbles in sorcery. Also I would like to ponder how Cinderella's dad died in the first place? I'm thinking poisoned biscuits. NEVER EAT BISCUITS PREPARED BY YOUR NEWLYWED WIFE. This is nonnegotiable.
6. The King and Queen of Hearts. If someone could explain to me how that one works out, that would be great, thanks.
7. Maleficent. I need to know so many things about her. Did she really condemn a newborn baby solely because she didn't get invited to a party? I think her issues run deeper than that. 1) Where did she get the gargoyle-like goblin minions? 2) What's with her ram/devil horns? 3) How did she meet her crow? Did she nurse him as a baby? Or was it friendship at first sight? 4) What's her beef with the royals? I like to think her story went like this: She was once a beautiful, young fairy. She was kind and generous and gave freely, much like Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather. She fell in love. It was a prince. She would often go out of her way just to see him for a second. Just to see that smile. He didn't love her back. No matter how much she tried to convince him they were meant for each other, she could see her endeavors were futile. He loved another girl. Golden hair, rose red lips, a voice as sweet as a bird's. She couldn't take it. She put him under a spell. A love spell. And it worked. He loved her. She loved him. It looked picture perfect from the outside. But she knew. She knew that slight hesitation in his "I love you's" was the spell. She knew that tired look in his eyes was there because she put it there. She knew, deep down, whether he remembered or not, he didn't love her. And it was too much for her. She let him go. And he married the other girl. Her heartache turned to depression, her depression to anger, her anger to a sinister disposition. She became unfeeling. Evil was the only thing she knew. The sight of that baby and her striking resemblance to the very thing that caused her downfall, caused her world to come crashing down around her. And so begins the tale of Sleeping Beauty.
Hey, I think that's pretty reasonable.