The cats of Hogwarts.

(Originally published July 17, 2012 6:09 PM)


I've been doing a lot of unnecessary thinking.

And a lot of math.

When asked during an interview, JK Rowling once stated that there are about a thousand students studying at Hogwarts at any given time. And that's nice to assume, because it's very easy to picture Hogwarts as a huge, bustling city of its own. But given the information in the books, I don't think this is accurate.

There's a lot of disagreeing evidence, but the consensus is that there are many less students. For instance, if there were a thousand students at Hogwarts, there would be 250 students per house and 36 per year in each house (assuming that the split is fairly even). I don't know about you, but I distinctly remember exactly eight students mentioned to be in Harry's year in Gryffindor: Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Lavender, Dean, Seamus and Parvati. Did she just forget to mention the other 28 students? And furthermore, in the books, during a double potions class, there are 20 cauldrons set up on desks: ten for Gryffindor, ten for Slytherin (Bear with me. This is going somewhere, I promise).

This suggests that there are about 10 students per year in each house, which would add up to 280 students total. But that's a drastic reduction from JK Rowling's guess of one thousand, so I'm willing to be lenient, and propose that in any given house, the number of students per year could potentially vary between 10 and 20. Which (using the higher limit) could bring the final total up to 560 students at Hogwarts.

Phew! I'm out of figurative breath. Sorry that took so long.

So basically, 560 total students. Got that? Kay good. So now it's time to get down to the real point of this post. The cats.

We know that students are allowed to bring one pet to school with them. This pet can be either an owl, cat, or toad.

It would probably be safe to assume that given the choice, most students would rather have an owl because they seem to be the most useful. But the school provides owls for student use, so a personal owl isn't absolutely necessary. And owls are probably more expensive than the other two types of animals. So using this information, I estimate that about 30 percent of the students (170 out of 560) own owls.

Only one student's toad is mentioned in the book, and we know this to be Trevor, who belongs to Neville. This toad is quite a lot of trouble for Neville, for it is forever running away. And Neville, for a good portion of the series, is pretty lame. The fact that he has a toad enhances this. No one chooses to have a toad. You get stuck with a toad. Considering this, I have concluded that maybe 20 students have toads (and I think I'm being generous).

There are probably a fair amount who don't own pets at all. I think about 180 students thought that a pet would be too much of a burden, which leaves 190 students...

Of course, we must consider those students who don't follow rules and smuggle in other pets not mentioned on the school supplies list. Ron has Scabbers. Lee Jordan has a tarantuala. I think it's safe to assume that a couple Slytherins brought their snakes. And a rabbit or turtle wouldn't be too hard to hide. So maybe 40 students brought contraband animals.

Which leaves us with 150 students. One. Hundred. Fifty. students could potentially own cats. There could potentially be 150 cats roaming around Hogwarts at any time.  This is a lot of cats.


Cats are well-liked throughout the world and rank sufficiently higher than a lot of animals on the "cuteness scale". I don't think this number is far-fetched.

So think about it. We know that cats are basically allowed to go wherever they please. Just look at Crookshanks and his many a midnight stroll with Sirius/Snuffles, the dog. Cats can roam freely without a second look. I don't know about you, but I find this to be a cause for concern.

Let me just tell you, when there is a stray cat on my college campus, it's like Christmas. Everyone knows the cat. The cat is given 300 different names. The cat is picked up, pet, fed, even taken inside the buildings.

People love cats.

If there were 150 cats just prowling Hogwarts' halls, students would never get to class. They would sit all day playing with the cats and conjuring up mice for the cats to chase. There would be cats in the library, cats in the Great Hall, cats in classrooms, bathrooms, kitchens… Cats in the astronomy tower, cats in Hagrid's pumpkin patch, cats in the Room of Requirement… And everywhere you go, you would have to pet the cats. Because cats control peoples' minds.

And the bigger dilemma is, people would trip over the cats.

I know Hogwarts is a big place, but with 150 cats spread out all over it, you are bound to walk past at least five in a day. And if you were in a hurry, and had to rush to Potions because Professor Snape hinted that if you were late one more time he would slip some swelling solution into your pumpkin juice, it's not impossible to imagine that you would run by a few cats without noticing them. And because cats are stealthy and like to cause humans pain, they would probably strategically place themselves directly in your path. And then you would fall to your death (or extreme injury) and break your glass vials and brass scales, and the cat would walk away unscathed, because magical cats really do have nine lives.


We know this has happened because I spent way too long proving it.


So we can't overlook the cold hard truth: Harry has tripped over the cats.


And I'm a little outraged knowing this. Because JK Rowling never thinks to mention it.

I'm no "boy who lived" so I guess my problems aren't as "pressing" as Harry's, but if I tripped over three cats daily on my way to Charms, you can be sure I would write about it in the story of my life. I think that's something worth mentioning. Even if you just alluded to the monontony of it to add a bit of contrast like,

"Harry couldn't believe it. He was the seventh horcrux. Voldmort's soul had latched on to him. He had to die. But he would make sure he died for everyone he loved. Nothing but pure determination filled his mind as he tripped over yet another cat on his way into the forest to meet Voldemort and his last few breaths."

I don't know, I would have appreciated the honesty.

Things I know must have happened in the world of Harry Potter, though they are never strictly mentioned.

• Dudley Dursley's wife gave birth to a darling wizard boy 
• Vernon died shortly thereafter from shock

• Sirius Black had an affair with Madame Rosmerta while he was at Hogwarts that was quite reminiscent of The Graduate.

• Rose Weasley and Scorpius Malfoy fell in love despite their valiant efforts to hate each other.
• Parents not pleased. 
• Red-haired grandparents parents even less pleased.
• Blonde-haired grandparents never came to wedding. 

• Luna's husband died tragically while hunting a crumple-horned snorkack, and she mourned him quietly in a cozy cottage by the sea. It was years later that a lonely wizard moved in beside her. The two rekindled their old friendship and realized that they would be much happier married to each other. 
• And, yes, it was Dean Thomas.

• Severus Snape still to this day, curses Harry from his grave. Snape had thought he made it quite clear to Harry while he was living that he despised the scarred, arrogant troublemaker. Apparently not. Harry still had the gull to name his middle child after him. I mean, really.
• It was Lily Luna Potter, not Albus or James, that inherited her father's superb flying skills. She became Gryffindor seeker, and played just as well (if not better) than him.

• Cho Chang is a ninny

• Susan Bones dropped an egg carton at the supermarket, slipped on the slimy yolks, and fell to her death because she's that lame.

• Gregory Goyle was actually a genius, but just pretended to be half-witted to make his best friend and fellow crony, Vincent Crabbe, feel better about himself.
• This loyal mark of friendship went unacknowledged by everybody, including the Sorting Hat 
• Dumbledore had always said they sort too soon…..

• Peter Pettigrew refused any meal that wasn't mostly made of cheese.

• Voldemort died a 72-year-old virgin.

• Hermione told Harry that she stuffed her beaded bag in her sock when the snatchers came and took them to Malfoy Manor. Hermione obviously lied because that isn't possible 
• (unless she was wearing jeans)
• (I tried it)

• There were too many cats (as previously discussed)

• Death Eater, Augustus Rookwood, looked like the child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

• Cormac McLaggen always wondered who his father was. His mother refused to talk about it, and it was only after years of searching (and some reluctant help from Hermione) that he discovered the truth.
• But he was probably better off; Gilderoy Lockhart would never have made a good father.

• Pansy Parkinson had a mad crush on Seamus Finnigan but never told anyone

• Winky was never quite since her dismissal from Master Crouch, but was able to regain some of her former cheerfulness after being hired by her new master, Percy Weasley
• This act did not go unnoticed by Hermione who eventually had to accept it because Winky burst into tears every time she mentioned freeing the elf.

• Ginny and Harry had a dispute over the location of their future home…
• Harry didn't understand what was so wrong with Grimmauld Place, and Ginny was there rolling her eyes being all like, "Get real Harry".  And he was like, "Think about Kreacher! He loves that place", and Ginny said "Kreacher also likes Death Eaters and Sirirus' mom." An exasperated sigh from Harry followed. "That was in the past Ginny! He's changed since then. He makes like really good soup now." And then Ginny was all, "Fine. You and the seriously distrubed house-elf can live happily-ever-after in that grimy, dark wizard pen. I'm going to go get some fresh air," and promptly flew away on her broom, as Harry seethed from the ground.

Foreign Wizardry: A (Poorly-Composed) Harry Potter Essay

International Magical Cooperation.


I've been thinking a lot about it lately as I spend what little free time I have whiling away the hours with my nose in Harry Potter. It used to annoy me how there was so little mentioned of foreign witches and wizards in the series, and my annoyance was restored after reading Goblet of Fire again.

Did you know American witches and wizards are mentioned only ONCE in the entire series? To boil down everything America is into a couple of witches at the World Cup, gossiping under a spangled banner is a crime.

And as I sat, obsessing over that tiny window through which the smallest glimpse of foreign wizardry can be seen outside of Europe, I began to construct an alternate HP world in my mind. A more accurate version (in my ever-so-humble opinion, of course).

Picture this though.

You have a dark wizard. Goes by the name of Voldemort. He's your regular, run-of-the-mill, power-hungry lunatic who likes to kill for sport.  Do you think, for one moment, that he isn't going to try to expand his filthy, death-ridden empire? I mean, come on. The man shares his brain with a snake. The day he stops dreaming of world domination is the day I eat my dog.

And I don't have any pets.

It's as likely as this conversation taking place:

Wormtail: "Master, I've been drawing up a few designs. We can take over Spain by the end of the month if we gain control of the water-ways and everyone's minds'. We can be over seas by June if we keep up the pace. We'll need manpower though. Might I suggest recruiting the giants?"

Voldemort: "Quiet, Wormtail! You are too ambitious. I told you from the outset, that if we were going to do this, we were going to do it gradually and cautiously. I don't want to expand further than Great Britain. If I control Britain, that will be enough of me. Don't you know me enough by now to know that I am easily contented with what I have in front of me? I never want more than what I have."


Right. Because that would happen.                  (sarcasm)


My point is, if you were to take the world of Harry Potter and stick it right in the middle of the real world, I believe a few things would be different.

Firstly, we know that Voldemort is quite the world traveler… with his jaunts to Egypt and Albania and whatnot. So why is Britain the only country that seems to be worrying about him? Voldemort is cray, and there is little chance that he wouldn't want to destroy all the other countries in the the world as well, so I think the books should have definitely included more of this aspect. And I think the magical leaders of those countries should have done some allying up. Which brings me to my next point.

Given American's foreign policy, if there was a powerful, muggle-killing, snake-man on the loose in Europe, I hardly doubt Americans wouldn't go try and stop him. I mean just look at our track record… We're basically just a whole bunch of crazy Gryffindors brandishing our swords and yelling out profanities in the name of Justice… Our national Magical Military would be the first on the scene, shouting out the mantra, "You will like democracy!" while forcing Voldemort into a in a red and white striped straightjacket with fireworks shooting out their wands. If Voldemort were real, we would have tried to stop him. I'm not saying we would have been able to for sure, but we would have at least been there in the thick of things.

And speaking of being in the thick of things, why are there only three wizarding schools allowed in the Tri-Wizard cup? Why couldn't it be the Icosa-Wizard cup and allow twenty schools to compete? I know that it was originally created for the three largest European schools, but why the exclusion? Why can't those overseas play? What about Africa? I'm sure they'd love a shot. What's wrong with our Australian friends? Not good enough? Silliness.


You know, I'd be happy with even a minor change in the series. For instance, would it have been so bad to make Luna a foreign-exchange student? How hard would that have been? Then we would at least know what a non-European wizarding school was like. And actually, such a program was even alluded to in GOF when Ron mentions that Bill used to have a pen-friend who lived in Brazil. So it's not far-fetched. Really. It's not.

Anyway.

I just don't think that the borders of Great Britain could contain Voldemort. Not at all. So I wish that JK Rowling would have constructed his story line to include the fact that the whole world was against him (of course, it's implied, but I'm just not seeing the action). And if she left it out by design, why? Because that just seems unrealistic to me.


I'm not complaining, I'm just letting my fingers go. They've been itching to do something besides counting pills and change. And JK Rowling, if you're reading this, I'm so honored to have you in my internet presence, and disregard everything I ever wrote. Love, Lexie.